Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
