oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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