I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
