my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
