so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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