Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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