Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
