drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
