sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
