why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
