i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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