omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
