how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
