your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
