Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
