Four minutes until I can fart!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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