I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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