I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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