Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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