my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
