The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
