I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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