we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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