I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
