The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
