do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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