I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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