just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
