You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
