I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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