So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to align my fucking chakras
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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