I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
