My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My vagina just recognized that song.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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