You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
