this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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