WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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