Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
