Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
