I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
