I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
