There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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