That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like abortions should bother me more
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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