i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
