I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.