I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
