I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
