so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
