And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
