I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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