Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
