when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
