just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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