Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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