I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
