Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
