"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
